Dopotutto

Quel giorno ricordo di avere chiuso gli occhi per tanto tempo, ma che dico chiuso, li stringevo cosi forte che sentivo tutte le forze in essere affluire alle palpebre, speravo di capire se c’era un modo per soffrire di meno o semplicemente volevo la certezza che quello che vedevo con gli occhi è solo un riflesso di quello che sentivo con il cuore.

Quando sei solo con te stesso in un momento come questo, cerchi qualcosa per darti forza fai di tutto per trovare un po’ di energia e salvarti dalla caduta libera, e quando ho chiuso gli occhi pensavo di trovare quel coraggio che a diciotto anni riesce a tirarti fuori da qualsiasi situazione, ma a quell’età tutto è più semplice, sei rampante, i segni del tempo non ti hanno ancora colorato di vita il contorno degli occhi, scavalchi i giorni come fosse una corsa agli ostacoli ad una gara scolastica, ti vesti e ti svesti delle storie come faresti in un camerino di prova del tuo negozio preferito, e se qualche storia può farti star male è giusto il tempo di capire che è solo la moda del momento, e non perché non c’è abbastanza amore o sei senza cuore, ma  perché hai aperto la finestra alla vita e c’è un mondo la fuori che vuole mostrarsi ai tuoi occhi, e ti senti quasi in obbligo con esso che ti offre tutto senza chiedere nulla in cambio.

Ma c’è un età in cui accade di scoprire tutta la tua fragilità, avviene proprio in quel momento in cui a nulla serve chiudere gli occhi e mettersi al riparo sotto le coperte per nascondersi dall’uomo nero che da un momento all’altro potrebbe entrare dentro la stanza e rapirti, questo funzionava da bambini, quando cercando di respirare piano, anzi di trattenere il respiro più a lungo possibile sperando che i battiti del cuore che nel frattempo accelerava all’impazzata non si udissero cosi forte all’esterno proprio come li sentivi dentro di te, e nel frattempo l’udito ti diventava cosi sensibile da sentire un passo a chilometri di distanza, ad un certo punto sulla scia di quelle paure e di quell’impegno sensoriale ed emotivo crollavi in un sonno talmente profondo che al mattino risvegliandoti non ricordavi più nulla, perché tutto si era messo a posto da solo.

Quel giorno nulla si mise a posto da solo, sapevo di avere appena scoperto la mia debolezza, non c’era  l’uomo nero la fuori, ma un’incolmabile vuoto dentro me, non sapevo da dove iniziare né dove sarei finito, perché tutte le volte che non ho creduto in me, o ci ho creduto troppo, quando ho pagato per gli sbagli degli altri, quando ho sbagliato, quando ho vinto, quando ho perso, quando non c’ero per me stesso, e quando ero troppo concentrato su di me, i suoi occhi erano il luogo più sicuro dove rifugiarmi, le parole più incoraggianti che abbia mai ascoltato sono stai i suoi silenzi, e le carezze più dolci erano i suoi sguardi, sapeva farmi sentire libero stringendomi la mano, ma aveva la capacità di arrivare quando stavo per mollare, ed io sentivo da quel profumo che lei era li da qualche parte, quella fragranza l’avrei riconosciuta anche tra le centrali nucleari di Chernobyl, perché sulla sua pelle era inconfondibile come l’odore del mare in tempesta. Quel giorno avrei voluto trovare ancora una volta i suoi occhi li da qualche parte, anche se la causa del mio dolore era lei.

Poi successe cosi per caso, una mattina mi svegliai con una parola in mente “DOPOTUTTO”, ci misi un po’ a capire cosa volesse dire, ma una cosa era certa, stavo bene.  Non sono molti che potrebbero capire tanto amore per qualcosa che ti ha devastato, nessuno riuscirebbe a sfiorare quelle emozioni con la delicatezza che meritano senza essere giudicate, eppure da quella mattina capii che c’è chi se ne va da te solo fisicamente,  perchè  in realtà vive insieme a te sin da quell’incontro tanto casuale, ma tanto intenso da essere stata capace di entrarti cosi in profondità lasciando che ogni cosa di te abbia parte di lei. Oggi che vorrei dirle che prima d’incontrarla tutto era bello, e che forse è stato bello anche dopo esserci persi, dirò semplicemente che quando stavamo insieme tutto era speciale, e che dopotutto assaporare la vita insieme a lei mi ha fatto scoprire gusti nuovi, sfumature di tramonti mai visti prima, suoni atoni che mi ha raccontato con la sua voce, e che dopotutto quando sento quel profumo ancora adesso sorrido, perché lo associo a quella parte della mia vita legata a emozioni e sentimenti esclusivamente felici, quel profumo ha il sapore di fiducia mai tradita, di parole semplici, di gesti aggraziati, di pensieri puliti e mai confusi dalla nube della finzione. Dopotutto………………..sei il posto più bello dove mi sia mai rifugiato.

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