Chi ti Ama non ti lascia mai

Arriva un momento nella vita nel quale i pensieri non si possono più spiegare e le azioni diventano indescrivibili. Vorresti avere uno di quei manuali corposi, ricchi si sapere e di studio, che ti soffermi ad osservare con rispetto e reverenza quando entri in biblioteca. Quelli che se li prendi tra le mani, devi soffiarci sopra  per spazzare via i segni del tempo trascorso che su di esso si è depositato sotto forma di polvere. Quel tempo che con religioso rispetto ne ha conservato le pagine, i pensieri e le emozioni , e quelle   parole che messe  in fila una dietro l’altra, formano frasi che in qualunque modo le leggi ti danno le informazioni che cerchi, o quantomeno ti spiegano cosa e come fare.

Ma quando arriva quel momento in cui non sai spiegare e descrivere più ciò che hai dentro, non esiste una scienza, una teologia e neppure uno studio che sappia insegnarti come fare, perché quando perdi qualcuno a cui tieni veramente, sei l’unico a sapere dentro al cuore quello che senti, sei il solo a capire quello che ti passa per la mente,  ma non puoi tirarlo fuori, perché è un caotico caos che non hai mai vissuto prima, e ti auguri solamente che con il tempo qualcosa migliori, che qualcosa cominci ad andare al posto giusto, ma tanto non ci credi neppure te, sai bene, e se non lo sai ancora imparerai a capire, che il tempo non mette a posto nulla di ciò che conta veramente, è solo un falso mito quello che il tempo cura le ferite e ti fa andare avanti. Certe ferite, certi vuoti rimangono sempre li, e ciò che ti porta ad andare avanti è solo il peso del coraggio.

Io ricordo ancora quel giorno, se mi soffermo un attimo riesco senz’altro a ricordare il minuto esatto in cui capii che non avrei potuto fare più nulla per stringerla ancora una volta tra le mie braccia, o semplicemente dirle “Ciao”. Avrei voluto piangere, disperarmi, correre, urlarle di non andare, di rimanere ancora un po’, solo qualche ora per spiegarmi bene ciò che stava accadendo, o almeno tutto questo è ciò che pensavo prima che mi lasciasse la mano,  in fin dei conti per me era una situazione nuova, inaspettata per quanto potessi essere preparato,. In realtà in quel preciso istante rimasi immobile, per un’istante eterno, i suoni si fecero silenziosi, la luce divenne bianca, tutto si arrestò, o forse ero solo io ad essere rimasto paralizzato con ogni senso sperando di essere il protagonista di uno di quei sogni in cui dopo ti svegli e sorridi perché in fin dei conti era un sogno, finito nel momento in cui aprendo gli occhi entri in contatto con la realtà .

Lei non era bella, non era intelligente e neppure simpatica e buona  per il mondo, ma non credo affatto se ne preoccupasse più di tanto, forse perché il mondo che aveva dentro era molto più di quello che le stava fuori, ed il suo mondo era tutto per me. La sua bellezza stava nel semplice, la sua intelligenza nel sapere dare valore alle cose che contavano veramente, la sua simpatia nella genuinità delle sue parole e la sua bontà nel non giudicare mai. Lei era questo per me, ed io il suo mondo lo conoscevo bene. Bisticciavamo un sacco, ma solo con la ragione, per divergenze ideologiche, ma avevamo sempre il cuore abbracciato. Stavamo giornate intera senza scambiare una parola, ma non smettevamo mai di guardarci con il sorriso dentro gli occhi. Ci facevamo anche dispetti infantili, impercettibili agli occhi degli altri, ma noi li riconoscevamo benissimo,  quando me ne accorgevo pensavo: “che stronza lo ha fatto di proposito, adesso ci penso io”, e cercavo un dispetto altrettanto valido per farle capire che avevo intuito il suo, e sono certo che lei pensava alla stessa mia maniera, nonostante ad oggi non c’è lo siamo mai confessato, e credo che mai lo faremo. Poi magicamente bastava una frase, un cioccolatino, o sistemare qualcosa di suo, perché tutto tornasse magicamente come prima, ma in realtà sono certo che il pretesto  far pace non servisse, era più come un alibi per se stessi, perchè ciò che ci portava a fare pace, era il non sapere fingere più di tanto di rimanere apparentemente con il cuore arrabbiato per tanto tempo.

Lo ricordo bene quando mi aspettava sveglia sul divano, o in balcone per mangiare qualcosa di dolce al mio rientro, ed io non vedevo l’ora di rincasare per raccontarle, per ascoltarla. Trascorrevamo più ore a scegliere un film, che a vederlo. Prima di uscire le stanze diventavano una boutique per le prove di abbigliamento. Conoscevamo alla perfezione già dal tono della prima parola ciò che volevamo dire, ed era una sensazione che solo con un’altra persona sono riuscito a rivivere(ma questo è un capitolo a parte).

Poi è arrivato quel giorno in cui qualcosa è andato storto, quel momento in cui mi resi conto di aver perso qualcosa d’importante, qualcosa che non avrei voluto fare andare via. Vorrei tanto seguire chi dice che se tieni davvero a qualcuno, ma ci tieni davvero tanto, un modo per andare a riprendertela lo trovi sempre(anche se dovresti trovare il modo per non fartela sfuggire), e che se lei ha voglia di te, non inventa scuse, non tergiversa, se ti vuole alla stessa maniera in cui te vuoi lei, viene da te, in qualunque posto, a qualunque ora, in qualunque modo. Punto.

Allora credo che lei voglia me più di quanto io voglia lei, sono certo che mi AMI più di quanto io possa saper fare, perché trova sempre l’occasione per venire da me in qualunque posto io mi trovi, e in qualunque modo e a qualunque ora, anche se io non riesco sempre ad incontrarla, perchè la mia MAMMA è andata via solamente fisicamente, ma non con la sua anima. Lei continua a guardarmi con quegli occhi che solo io posso riconoscere, sento ancora la sua mano sul mio viso, la sua voce che mi rimprovera, ed il suo profumo sul cuscino come quando la sera prima di addormentarmi da bambino annusavo. Grazie di amarmi come solo tu sai fare.

Ciao Mamma.

Questo articolo ha 129 commenti.

  1. Gilda

    Assolutamente il tuo scritto migliore… Arriva tutto… L’ondata di amore… e di dolore…
    Grazie per riuscire a condividere tutto questo, nonostante tutto❤️

  2. Francesco C.

    Penso che la tua mamma contini a vivere in te, a camminare con le tue gambe, a sorridere con la tua bocca, a piangere coi tuoi occhi.

  3. Valentina

    Ho le lacrime agli occhi…
    La tua mamma è sicuramente orgogliosa di avere un figlio come te.
    Il dolore è lì dentro, in un angolo nascosto e nessuno potrà cancellarlo… Ma il ricordo di lei, del suo profumo, della sua voce, del suo essere, fanno sì che tu sia ogni giorno che passa un uomo migliore…. Un uomo di cui tua madre sara sicuramente fiera di aver messo al mondo. Bello come il sole. Dentro e fuori.

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